Finding One's Self

Everyone gets to a stage in life where one reflects on where one has been, where one is, and where one is heading. This self analysis can sometimes be a very daunting and traumatic experience, especially if one senses they have actually lost direction in life.

How one comes to the stage of reflection, depends on the person. For myself, it is generally triggered by the loss of a friend or lover. The more emotionally involved I was with the person, the more reflective I became with who I am and becoming.

Personally, I hate this stage I go through, as the reflection affects not only my own personal feelings, but also my relationship with family and friends. The frightening part is that the more I self-analyse my life, the deeper I get into the "finding one's self" phase which is similar to depression.

When I go through this "finding one's self" phase, the first thing that I focus on is the reason for the loss. Initially, like everyone else, there is the "why me" and "what did I do wrong" questioning. Although clouded by guilt [real or perceived] at the initial stages, I generally find that by focusing on that particular issue, the matter becomes clearer. Don't ask why or how, it just does. Somehow one's brain clears the clutter that surrounds the issue and gradually focuses on the problem.

By the end of it, I have the answer to that perplexing issue. However, the self analysis for some reason then moves onto the rest of my life - my friends, family and direction I am heading. It is this stage that I generally find the hardest to cope with, as I take a very analytical look at everything. With friends in my life, I look at the role they play and decide whether to cut ties with them or maintain them.

One of the things I look at is what impact they have on my life. Those that are of benefit to me, like being supportive and there for me, I maintain. My closest friends today are long term ones, with a couple of exceptions. They are part of my life because they care about me and are always there supporting me. This is regardless of whether or not they have pissed me off totally in the past. True friends are the ones who are willing to come up to me and say "Oi! Are you blind? Can you not see he is using you?" or "If you love him, tell him you idiot - or I will".

True friends are the ones that stand by your side ready to laugh with you, as well as cry; ready to take you by the hand and lead you into unchartered waters without expecting anything in return other than your company and friendship. From my perspective, true friends are willing to put the friendship on the line, if it means that their actions are actually for your positive benefit - which may or may not be obvious to you at the time. You get my drift?

With the work aspect of my life, that too gets analysed. A realistic look at my work and where it can potentially take me is made, and gradually implement the changes I need.

By the end of the phase, which sometimes can take up to 2 months, the changes are gradually implemented. And the feeling I get? Believe it or not, it's like being reborn again. As each change takes place, I myself change. The changes themselves are like a domino effect, each building on the change of the previous one.

I must admit, the beginning is the hardest, and the first couple of changes are murder - so to speak. But once I go through those, the rest become easier and easier.

So if your life seems to have reached a dead end, then take my advise. Find the biggest issue you have, go to your favourite quiet spot [like the beach], and focus on the problem. By the time you realise it, you are already on your way to "finding one's self".

James