A Holiday Of Changes

Do you believe in Destiny? Do you feel that you do things - not because you have to - but because something deep down says you must? Do you ever wonder why events occur in your life when there is no logic or reason?

I have only just returned from a week interstate visiting family and friends. Yet before going, I was filled with trepidation to the extent that I nearly cancelled the whole trip. Something deep down inside my psyche was telling me not to go, for the events of the trip would change me. How, I didn’t know, except that my returning home would start a chain of events to which I would not know the final outcome.

And yet, despite all this, I put aside my fears and gut feeling warnings, and went.

On the plane, waiting for it to take off, I remember staring blankly out the window and the thoughts of the previous days flooded back. The continual thought of “one last time” kept coming up and this saddened me. I felt as if an ending was about to occur, one that needed to happen for me to be able to move on in life.

The flight itself was uneventful except for the couple that was sitting next to me [and that is another story]. The arrival in Canberra saw the feelings I have had increase, and the doubt of having made the right decision, becoming more pronounced. I suppose I didn’t know what to expect when I arrived, whether it was a good move or a bad one.

Arriving at the place I was staying, I was met by Loch and his cousin Anthony. Seeing these two brought back a lot of good [and bad] memories, but was happy to see them. The third person, their American friend David, was one that I had uncertainty over, as to how I would react having heard so much about him. Yet within the first few minutes, any uncertainties and doubts I had over the guy, quickly vanished. If anything, I found myself wanting him for unlike many people I have met, he managed to not only allay any fears and doubts I had, but also to engage me mentally in some of the most interesting conversations I have had in ages.

I supposed deep down I had made my mind up as to what ‘role’ he would play. Within the first hour and half of me being there, I was leading him into the bedroom naked – much to his shock and to the other’s amusement. The details are not relevant except that he stayed for the rest of the night, before leaving in the early hours of the morning to head off to work. And with him going, I piece of me left as well.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, nor do I believe in soul mates. Yet after he left, I felt as if he left with a piece of my heart. It crossed my mind to take him to Sydney with me, but I didn’t, for the trip was a ‘quality time’ for Loch and I. Further, when Loch had asked if he could come, I had said ‘no’, and to turn around and bring David along would have been a double standard.

So, the question that has already been raised by another friend of mine is – do I love him? The answer to that is simply ‘no’. Do I like him? Yes. What does he feel? Well, that one is a tricky one. From what the others have said, he likes me too but is also scared of me in that he has never met a guy like me before. [Why do people keep saying that?]. I know if I set my mind to it, I can have him but the question is – do I want him? Can I deal with falling for a bisexual guy who also does drugs – and if I can, am I setting myself up for some heartache?

For to want him, I will need to move interstate to Canberra. By doing so, it means that I will then also be closer to Loch and Anthony, which then raises the other issues – will I be moving to see what happens with David, or will I move to be closer to the other two? And how would they perceive the move? Further, do I really want to live in Canberra? Work wont be an issue for I have already discussed this with people I know, and a job is there if I need one.

So, what’s holding me back? I guess it’s the fear of the unknown, the fear of taking a chance, and the fear of my own motives.

They say a holiday is as good as a change, but what happens when the holiday causes the change?

[More tomorrow]