F=P+P

This must be the strangest title for an article I have ever written or come across, unless you are into science or mathematics. So before I go into the article, let me explain what F=P+P actually means. It means Future equals your Present And Past. Nice, simple, easy.

Yeah Right! I hear you say.

Well it actually does. Think about it. Future equals Present and Past. Hmm .. you don't understand it? Ok. Here's JEB's interpretation of it, and see how well it sits with you.

Each person's present is made up of events and people that have come in and out of your life in the past. So the past creates the situation in which you are at the present. Yes? So, as the present is only a fleeting moment, it then becomes the past; and the present with its own events then create the future. Nice, simple, easy.

The reason I raise this is simple. With all relationships, we have a past. Generally with friends, we have a lot of good times, happy memories as well as some bad ones. As each event unfolds, we are directing our relationship one way or another. Then one day, something happens that kills the relationship, and generally the decision to kill it is made there and then, without thinking of the consequences or the benefits of it. At the time, we only see one side of the event and not realise the undercurrents that are in place.

Then some time in the future, which could be months or years down the track, we suddenly remember the events. This could be because someone mentioned the person's name or we find something that makes us remember the "old days". Like most people, we look back and see where events have unfolded and sometimes think "yeah, I should get in touch with that person". Generally we don't either because we keep putting it off or simply don't know where they are.

In my case, years ago I knew this guy who was a very close friend of mine. We did everything together to the point that everyone thought we were lovers. We had met in the corridors of the University, and somehow we clicked. We were very close friends for nearly 3 years till one day I met Michael who I fell in love with. Now Shaun [my friend] realised that I was head over heels over this guy, but he made one fatal mistake. He ended up sleeping with him despite knowing how I felt.

All hell broke loose when I found out and within a couple of weeks, Shaun was history in my life. Gone! I wanted nothing to do with him at all for he had betrayed my trust and crushed my feelings. Shaun tried to salvage the friendship but me being pigheaded at the time, simply said "no".

About four years later I was cleaning out some old boxes with papers in it. You know, the general cleanup one does when there is too much "junk". In one of the boxes I found the letter and card that Shaun had sent to me apologising. I sat there for over an hour reading the letter and more importantly, the card. I remembered all the good times, the happy times, the fun times we had, and it got me thinking. Maybe I should get in touch with him, even if only to find out how he was.

What I found out broke my heart. Shaun had died of AIDS only two months earlier, and from his mum I found out something which scared the hell out of me, but also brought a sense of relief. He had contracted it through unsafe sex with Michael!

I sat there in shock. It could easily have been me. Thankfully Michael and I never had sex, but if Shaun had not slept with him first, I might have been the one that was now dead. So the Future is made up of the events created in the Present and the Past.

And the card that Shaun had sent me? It simply read:

“Your present and future is made up of the past, and the people you meet. The ones that make the biggest positive impact on you are the ones that truly care. Friends sometimes come and go, but true friends will always leave their front door open for you, regardless of what happens.”

According to his mum, he still considered me his best friend despite of what happened. She said that for weeks after we stopped being friends, he would go home and the first thing he would do is check his mail and answering machine hoping that I had written or called. And when there was nothing there, he would cry at the loss.

I feel guilty in not trying to keep the friendship or keeping in touch now. I keep thinking "how hard would it have been to send a card or something saying 'hi how are you' to him?" Was what he had done really that bad that our friendship had to be ended? Could I not simply have looked at it as a learning exercise?

I sometime now sit back and think about all those good times we had, and how much fun he was to be around. He was after all my best friend at the time.

So today I made a decision. I have sent that same message to a close friend of mine. How and what he does with it is entirely up to him. But I hope that unlike me and Shaun in the past, us two can patch things up and bring back our friendship to some sort of level.

James