Dying Is Such A Pain - A Personal Perspective

Believe it or not, everyone is dying from the moment one is born. It is a natural thing – you are born and then you die, and somewhere in between you have a life. For the majority of people, our time on this planet is not known – we simply don’t know when or how we will die.

For some though with terminal illnesses, we know roughly how long we have left. Whether it is a matter of months or several years. In some respects, these people who know, are the lucky ones. Knowing when one will die, allows you to try and cram as many of your dreams into your life as possible. Unlike the rest of the population, knowing when allows one to plan one’s remaining life.

Two of my friends have cancer, and thankfully are in remission. They both know their time is limited, and both are trying to make the last months/years of their lives as fulfilling as possible.

Five of my other friends are HIV+, with one of them having being HIV+ for over ten years now. They too have gone through the rough bit of “why me”, come to terms with it, and now living a full life, even though they all know it’s only a matter of time before they are at the pearly gates.

The disadvantage of knowing is that you are forever aware that time is passing. Don’t know about you, but I am seeing time flying by just a tad too quickly for my liking. Maybe it’s a sign of growing old, or maybe everything is simply speeding up.

What I find most annoying is that knowing how long I have before I too go through [hopefully] the pearly gates, my amount of time left is quickly passing. There are too many things I still want to achieve, and yet as each day passes, I think to myself “will I do everything I want?”.

One thing my dying friends and I have in common, besides knowing we are dying, is the day we do die and how everyone will react. Some of us have told our family and friends, while others have kept it a secret to all but a select few.

I myself made the decision that I would not tell a lot of people, and that has been the hardest thing. The ones that know are my doctor, a close personal [female] friend and my flatmate’s partner. As you probably appreciate, you can’t hide anything from your doctor, and my female friend happened to find out by mistake [I accidentally let it slip one day when talking about cancer].

The decision to tell my flatmate’s partner that I was dying [without telling him how or why], was not taken lightly. Knowing how my flatmate would react to the news based on his previous negative reactions to others dying, I am hoping that his partner may be his sounding board and a sense of understanding. Time will tell. Hopefully our friendship is strong enough for him to take it into account and accept it without feeling let down or betrayed.

I have known for the last twelve months that I am dying, and for that time, I have gradually come to terms with it. I know for a fact that if my family found out, the impact will crush them, and then become an issue of being “baby-sat” to make sure I was okay.

As those that have read my previous articles, my time has been spent enjoying myself and helping others. I suppose in some respects the old saying “what goes around comes around” is something I am hoping will eventuate. By doing good deeds to others, others will in time reciprocate in some form. Not that I have any doubt about this from my close friends.

By letting people know through this article that I am dying, you as the reader, will finally be able to put two and two together and realise that my previous articles were nothing more than building blocks to me fulfilling my dreams.

By this stage you are either shocked or about to reach for the phone. But DON’T! I don’t need sympathy or a flood of questions. I still have about 4 to 5 years left [maybe longer], according to the doctors, and I intend living my life to the fullest. The only thing I need to ensure each day is that I get sufficient sleep and as little stress as possible. The impact of these two things have seen me really drained and exhausted, and its something I am trying to control, with some success.

Why this sudden confession?

Simply so that people out there finally realise that what I do is not only for the benefit of others, but also to make my last few years fulfilling. Yeah, ok … selfish as that maybe, it is for me that I do this. Simply so that when the day comes, I can honestly say I did some good. And by telling people now, you may understand the reason for the hugs and cuddles that I sometimes crave – it is for simply to be close to someone without the hang-ups or expectations of sex, at times when I am down.

Cancer is such a bitch … and dying is such a pain … but hey! Everyone dies at some stage, and I am one of the lucky ones that know when and how long.

So my advise to you is enjoy your life, live as if today is your last day, and make sure that you try at least to fulfil some of your dreams and hopes.

James

[Written in the first person on behalf of a friend]