Celibacy - A Gay Man's Life

Sex and being gay goes hand-in-hand within our community, and this is the perception within the general community as well. If you are gay, then sex has to be the number one thing that is always on your mind. If you don’t get laid, then people automatically assume that you are either lying or there is something [medically] wrong with you.

Come on – one is gay and does NOT have sex? You have to be kidding! Right? Wrong! Not everyone is driven by that desire to off-load with someone else. Believe it or not, some people place sex very low on the list of priorities, for various reasons.

Take me for example. Having been in and out of long-term relationships, and having had my share of one-night stands and flings, I have for the last twelve months followed a life of celibacy. No, not because I can’t pick anyone up or find a partner – far from it. I know enough people who are interested in me that I can be ‘married off’ within a week.

I am celibate for several reasons., none of which has anything to do with the ability to pick up or medical reasons. My decision to be celibate was based on several things.

Firstly – the main one being that over the last 20 years I have been in four relationships during which I had been single for only 3 years in total. Anyone who goes from relationship to relationship tends to lose, to a certain degree, a sense of individuality. After my last relationship ended after 6 years, I went through my period of one-night stands till one morning I woke up, and took a hard look at myself and the life I was leading.

What I saw was something I had not expected, although subconsciously, I always knew. Within me were merged my ex partners - their mannerisms, speech patterns, attitude and more. That is not necessarily a bad thing, as we all tend to pick up things from others. What worried me the most was that the “me” was now part of a collage of several people.

Secondly – my own direction in life of where I wanted to be and what I wanted had somehow fallen by the side somewhere over the last 20 years. My dreams of living in Europe, of owning my own business and other dreams, had been put on the backburner with “I’ll do that next year”. My life had become one of drifting between partners – both long term and short term – and all of them, whether I wanted to admit it or not, revolved around sex.

And finally, I started to open my eyes as what was really happening out there in the gay scene. Seeing people on the hunt for sex, people being emotionally hurt by others purely for fun, and people taking advantage of others. One image still haunts me. My previous partner and I were at a local nightclub, where we saw this older guy ply a young man with alcohol, and once he was drunk, took him into the toilets and raped him. Now this isn’t an everyday occurrence, but similar less “violent” events occur around us on a daily basis.

The decision to be celibate can be seen as one where I need to find myself. To find the ‘true’ me within this collage of people, to find those lost dreams and try to at least fulfill some of them, and to use my energies into providing some good to others. Yes, sex is still important to me, and eventually I do want to go back out on the hunt for one-night stands and a partner, but that isn’t my main goal at present.

Over the last twelve months, I have been celibate despite what people may think or believe. And during this time, my closest friends have seen a transformation in me that they find it hard to believe. I am happier, more content with myself, and my life has finally got a direction. But most importantly, the collage that I was is still there, but my own individuality is now more at the fore than it was.

So celibacy to me is one of control without the distractions. And as some wise person said ages ago – to be happy one has to be happy with one’s self first.

James

[Originally written in 2003, I have re-published it in my blog as a "kind reminder" that being gay does not necessarily mean we are all sex starved :-)