Why Don't I Dream?

Christmas Day has come and gone, and unlike all my previous years this one was a sombre one. With my mum having passed away suddenly six weeks ago, the gathering of the family was more of a "Sunday lunch" rather than a Christmas festivity. None of us had expected anything different other than the way it had turned out.

Yet what stuck in my mind was the conversation we had. Over lunch and later at the cemetery, dad made the comment that he dreamt of mum every night since she passed away. About the conversations they have, the advise she has been giving, and believe it or not, where the paperwork is that we have been looking for but have been unable to find. These conversations are a nightly event for dad.

My brother sees her every couple of nights, sometimes asking him if he wants a coffee, or just idle chit chat. Even my sister in law, who in many ways had become one of mum's closest friends, dreams of her on a regular basis. In the dreams, they still do their "tug of war" over the grandchildren and their meals, just like they did in a playful way in real life.

Yet, to date, I have not dreamt of mum at all. Even though I dream on a regular basis, not once has she appeared in my dreams either to tell me off or simply to say "hi". When the others asked me if I dreamt of mum and I replied "no", no one believed me even though its the truth. And that saddens me, for why is it that the others see her in their dreams yet I don't?

Is it because I didn't love her enough? Or that she didn't love me? Is it simply that I have subconsciously blocked her and her memory out of my mind to avoid bringing up the feelings of loss? Further, why is it that since the actual funeral five weeks ago, have I not cried whereas the others seem to have tears well up simply by mentioning her?

I don't consider myself to be a heartless person. If anything I am quite the opposite.

So the question is - why don't I dream of her? I don't think I ask for much, just one night for her to come into my dreams, just like she does with everyone else.

James